I remember the night ten years ago I decided that maybe suicide would be the better option for me.

And you remember it too. It was the first day of a new Millenia. You were probably out partying, but I was where I had always been on New Year's Eve, at home. Watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve, and even though he had some very fine entertainment, Mr. Clark was not to personally provide me with company. It was the biggest day many of us will see historically, and yet, I cringe at the memory.

I remember picking up the phone and dialing that number where the operator gives you the time. I wanted to hear a human voice that badly. And once I did, I wept. It seemed like a very good idea then to end my life, end my suffering. I didn't think I'd ever move beyound that feeling of inertia. I even took a knife out of the drawer and looked at the place where my veins touch my skin. I almost did it. But something in me decided I couldn't do it.

I won't pretend that I had some ephipany or moment of divine inspiration. In fact, what I did next was take the bottle of wine out of my fridge and proceed to get totally intoxicated. I'm pretty sure I passed out under the coffee table. And then I woke up the next morning and started over again. There was no miraculous recovery, but every day it did get a tiny bit easier.

It was worth every moment of pain to be where I am now.

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 272

This is the most at peace I've ever felt in my entire life.

I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth. I'm doing well at work, I have a beautiful girlfriend, and I've come to actually see some worth in my self. Such a big leap from a few years ago when Alan Shore first became my friend and started to pull me out of the deep rut I was in. Those days I was stuck in the back room to work out of court and sometimes the lonliness I felt was so crushing I wanted to die. Once I even seriously considered taking my life.

But now, I'm happy. Not to say everything's perfect. I'll always have some awkwardness in social situations, I'll always make faux pas and I'll always have my hands on my thighs. I don't know how to change these things, so now I'm concentrating on accepting them and working my way through the challenges they present. It's not always easy, but now I have friends...Alan, Denny, Shirley, Clarence, Bethany, even ol' Sackhead...and my beautiful Katie to help me through it.

I'm proud to say I'm a work in progress.

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 197

As Jerry walked into the hallway, his nostrils were assaulted by the scent of cheap, heavy perfume. He knew Katie didn't wear that scent and he didn't recognize it as being from any other of the ladies at Crane, Poole & Schmidt.  One of the few advantages to his condition was being hyper sensitive to everything around him, including smell.  He knew almost everyone's scent of choice in the office, and while he didn't agree with everyone's choices, nothing was as bad as what he was smelling now.

"Oh my God, what is that horrid, horrid smell?" He sounded off as he walked into the office he shared with Katie. "It's making me nauseous!"

"Jerry....." Katie winced and stood up. "I'd like you to meet our newest client."

A stout woman in her forties looked up at him, glaring disapproval. Usually new clients didn't start off the bat so rude, though they usually raised their eyebrows at him walking his hands kept glued to his thighs. As he grew as a criminal litagator, he became more confident and his record spoke past his eccentricies .

"Ms. Talbot is here because she was fired for body odor." Katie went on to explain. "Which she claims is a chronic medical condition."

"Oh no..." Jerry's eyes went wide. "Oh...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I thought it was perfume..."

Sometimes maybe it was better not to explain.

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 232

It would always be remembered as one of the happiest, proudest days of Jerry's life. The day he passed the bar exam. Though he did very well in law school, no one thought he'd make much of a lawyer because of his social quirks. Who wanted a lawyer who barely made eye contact and kept his hands on his thighs? But he had proved them wrong, or at least proved he had the knowledge to be a lawyer.

It was also the only moment in his life that he felt his father was proud of him.

Jerry was the only boy child for the Espensens and of course his father, being a man's man, had visions of football team captain and hearing of his son's exploits with women. He would drive a fast car, catch a ball without effort, and take shop class. Maybe he'd be taught to shoot by his father, or learn how to fish some Saturday morning of paternal bonding history. But Jerry was none of those things and could do none of those things. He was brilliantly intelligent, very kind in nature, and always willing to stand up for what was right. But that wasn't want Bud Espensen had in mind when the doctor told him his wife had a boy.

That day, after he told his parents about passing the bar, he was treated to rare, firm handshake from his father. He didn't get many of those because handshakes were a sign of approval, and Bud Espensen didn't approve of much his son did. But that day, for a few hours, Jerry felt like his father was proud of him, and felt a warmth in his palm long after the brief, firm handshake.

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 288

Oh dear, that's quite a question for a lawyer!

I've seen people break the law just because they could or because they wanted something they couldn't get honestly, or because hate and anger overthrew their more human side. There's too much of that in this world today, and yet I willingly help those people. Because I believe in justice for all. It's hard sometimes, and I refuse to handle cases with child molestors or rapists, taking a page from my dear friend Alan Shore.

But I've also seen and defended people who broke the law for other, almost noble reasons. To save a family member from a abusive spouse, to keep a predator from continuing to victimize the innocent, and sometimes for revenge if the predator was not stopped in time. I don't believe in vigilantism, but I must admit it's easier to defend someone who you think did it for a reason instead of just because they could.

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 159

I think alot of things, but mostly I think that I'm very sad for people in general. I'm sad that people can't see the beauty in each other because they're too busy judging and hating. I've been judged my whole life because they think I'm weird. You know THEY, right? This force we're so worried about that makes us change our actions all the time. What will THEY think? What will THEY say? Maybe if we stopped worrying, THEY would be nicer, kinder.

Sometimes I think we're so obsessed with labeling people that we forget they're people at all. White, black, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish, atheist, smart, stupid, handicapped, normal. What do those things really have to do with the person we are? It may give us challenges, but we're much more then a collection of statistics. At least that's what I like to think. I'd like to think I'm a whole person, someone with thoughts and feelings and something to give to this world.  And I think everyone should be able to think that.

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 175

"I don't get it! I just don't get it!" Jerry stormed into the side office, stomping his foot hard on the carpeted floor three times.

"He's trying to unsettle you, Jerry," Alan Shore, his co-counsel replied in a soothing tone.

"Unsettle? UNSETTLE?" He hopped and let out a rather loud squeak. "Personal attacks isn't unsettling your opponent. It's...it's sadistic!"

"I've always believed he enjoyed sadisim in the bedroom rather then the court room." Alan smirked a little with mirth, then went on to pat Jerry on the back. "If you let him get to you, he's won. And there's more then your pride on the line, there's our client to consider. Might I suggest you switch tactics?"

Jerry considered this for a moment. He didn't use the cigarette as much now because he wanted to win on his own merits, not on the bravado of the alter ego that appeared when he used the wooden prop cigarette. Alan was right, though, he was getting shook up and it would look very disorganized if he handed the witness over to his co-counsel. He needed to hit it out of the park on his own and put the District Attorney in his place.

"The cigarette?" He said slowly, already knowing the answer.

"The cigarette," Alan smirked. "If the good DA wants to engage in schaudenfreude, we can show him how it's done."

With that, he plucked the wooden cigarette out of his pocket and clamped it between his teeth. "Let's go get him, Al."

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 253

 Um. Isn't that a rather personal question? I mean, it sounds like something you'd see on...on a sex chat. Not that I would know from experience! Of course not! I'm not a pervert....

Oh dear.

Let me try again.

Khakis and a blue polo shirt. I'm at home right now and I like to be comfortable at home. Soft fabrics are always nice to relax in. At work it's always startched shirts and suits. But I don't mind that much, really. People take you more seriously when you're in a suit, and I need my clients to take me seriously. Sometimes they see what I do with my hands and think I'm...well...mentally handicapped. I'm not. At all. And maybe the suit helps their perceptions of me. I don't know.

I remember my father wearing suits. In fact, whenever I think of him that's how I see him. Dark blue suit, white shirt, red tie. Firm handshake, emotionless smile. I hope in my shirts I look a little more alive...

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 172

That's why I write, because life never works except in retrospect. You can't control life, at least you can control your version."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories)


When one thinks of a man having a life size doll, he's either thrown into the category of horny pervert or gay doll collector extreme. Jerry Epsensen is neither. Instead he's a lonely man that finds human interaction difficult. But that doesn't make his need for companionship any less then an average person. So he has Patricia sitting in his living room in a mauve chair. He can talk to her, and he allows himself to pretend for awhile that she can talk back. That she is a beautiful woman that he's in love with, one who will never make fun of his hands or lack of social graces. They talk about art and classical music and Jerry's days at work.

It's a pathetic imitation of life, he knows that sometimes when he looks at Patricia sititng there in her chair. But at least it makes him feel a little less all alone in this world.

Muse: Jerry "Hands" Espensen
Fandom: Boston Legal
Word Count: 156